<> ~ Good Morning~ Well, I was pretty much passed out last nite, and I have to say that sleep is really catching up with me, and the hardest thing? Is that I can't keep up with it. Anyway, made a few purchases yesterday, but am not sure whether or not I am content with the espidrills that I had bought from Payless Shoes. I don't know they look really funny on me, but when I saw them on Sylvie, they looked really good on her feet. Maybe I have to really like them to make them look good on their feet? Huh, maybe! Anyway, I guess I was suppose to go for coffee with Ron last night, but I cancelled because I really didn't feel good and the fact that I just didn't feel like doing anything with him, period. He asked if I wanted to do anything this weekend, like I mean, that's cool an all, but, don't come around just because yur best-friend is not in town (Brad had gone out of town for a bit). And, that's what really annoyed me, the fact that he really wanted to go for coffee with me and I just refused. About the weekend you ask? I made myself unavailable to him, and said sorry, all this week I have alot of engagments to attend to that I have to go too. Then, he said, "Well, definitely sometime next week, we have to go for coffee...?", In my head, I'm like, uh, no, I'm gonna let yu play hard to get. After all the shit he's put me through, whatever man. Then, he mentions how he misses my family "endeeringly" and that he asked if they would mind if he came to visit every week? In my head, I was like, the time I plan to get away from him and shut my ties with him for awhile is the time he wants to be around me, I don't get it. I don't frickin get it at all. Whatever. I am not gonna sit here and waste my time thinking about such an issue that I have no more effort trying to resolve, or have no control over. I've ran out of effort. I'm effortless at this point. I'll let him stress out this time, big time. All I can say is you have to not have a little of fate, but I have to let him know that I am better than him and always will bee, that who ever he chooses to date (when it does comes down to that point), that I can "smoke" everyone to anyone, yu gotta leave something to the imagination, let him beg for me back, play hard to get, let him drool over me, let him get jealous over me, guys hate woman who throw themselves at them, I have to careless, because he's the one that needs the help, not me; (oh, my God! The song I wanna know by Joe; memories); time to start living day, this present day, and I have to start envisioning the future, my future. They say "People who dwell on their past, live their past in the present and in the future, and that with the constant dwelling still present before you, you will never be able to live the present nor the future!" Whatever has happened in past, leave it in the past, because it is dead, and that all you have are the memories and nothing else. Uh, this is so relaxing, just venting my thought and chilling back to some music. Music is my world, music is something I cannot get sick nor bord off. Let it be new songs or oldies, I love music. Maybe I should invest more into my hobby and try to make it a an extra career, hum? There's a thought right there. Persue my hobby? Hey, you know there are possibilities!!!! Hum???? <> <!--9:54:00 AM-->
<> Went to see Maria today @ The Chocolate Shop. Its funny how everytime I go to see her, she manages to see through me and feel exactly as to what is going on within me and around me. Here is Maria's assessment: --> depressed, saddened, loneliness --> complications with a loved one --> lived with a man (which I later explained to be my husband), who wants to be controlling in this relationship --> she was able to narrow down how Ron was much older than I am, and how he works with electronics --> she was able to narrow down how Ron needed space to think and sorts things through --> That my other other half is really sadden by everything, but desperately needs all time to think everything through --> She suggested that Ron see a consellor for some psychological help before it conquers his mentality --> she was able to narrow down how I was in searching for a home for awhile, and that I was really wanting to purchase --> one of the tarot cards was a "wedding card"? I really questioned that, because I told her that we had cancelled all wedding plans for next year, 2004 --> one of the tarot cards were branches crossing eachother, meaning that I was fighting my own battles and that I've battled them all --> my sail was almost due to set its ship in, meaning my soulmate --> the time when I am content with my life, that's when everything will fall into place --> That I am very talented, muscially --> I am very ambitious, competent, reliable (stress the word "ambitious") --> that I will be recieving a long-distance phone call from someone in regards to a business offer here in the city --> asked if my husband had taken me out for dinner yet? (the funny thing? That Friday nite, Ron had mentioned that he wanted to take me out sometime next week, after telling him that I wasn't available this weekend). --> That everything will work out to the best of my contentment --> Finances will come my way when least expected, and that I will conquer debt --> Trying to stay positive as I can to help myself get through the heartaches and complications, trying to sail to more positives than negatives before I also forget to mention...... --> She had mentioned to me to note down June 14th-July 10/03- that something that I've been wanting resolved will out of anticipation will soon be all resolved and that everything shall go the way I want it to go. As you can see, through Maria's readings, 99% of everything that's going on in my life is TRUE, that's the trippy part of it all. She's not only a tarot reader, but I believe her to be a gift of God. A gift of God through her psychic power, with her ability to be able to know exactly what's going on in your life through your presence before her. <> <!--11:54:00 PM-->
<> ~F*CK ALL MAN OF DIFFERENT KIND~ I DON'T FRICKIN CARE <> <!--1:14:00 AM-->
<> Maybe there is no more future for me and ron, who knows? I just have to let fate run its course, because I know fate is true to its destiny. Anyway, I really do enjoy blogging now. Ever since I've hit the other office, its been like a passion for me, wierd hey? I'm greatly addicted to it. I think I had just found a new hobby, hehehe. Well, other than that, I went to visit my mother at the cemetary today and I felt really refreshed. I asked her to help me with my personal problems, I know she can't do much for me due to her not being her physically, but spiritually, she lies and endures the pain with me. Anyway, I feel so relieved. What else is new? Well, kind of got frustrated, above and beyond frustrated, because my boss came to visit us at the other office today, and he is making me, the dental assistant, and the dentist, read these novels and that he would test us a week from now. Like that is so not part of our job description. Ah, he'll forget in a matter of days. He said that he was going to test each of us next Wednesday. Whatever!!!! I really need to get away from all the stresses that is causing me all this heartache. I need a holiday, more like a vacation. Maybe San Francisco, CA. My father is there right now, well, at least I think he is. Oh, well! He is, he is. If not, he's not. Well, Ron wants to take me out this Friday, but, I simply said no, only because it's true I've been trying and pushing him too hard, that he is no longer interested. Whatever, I honestly could care less. Maybe I don't need him or maybe I deserve better. Who knows? I know. From this day forward, as Nicole Strutt is my witness, I shall not keep in contact with him, I shall destroy all ties with him, and make him want me, and until he proves to me one day that he can be there to truly love and honestly nurture me, then, that's when I will be able to love him all over again. Maybe we do need a year from eachother. I don't know, I don't care. I shall no longer talk about it. <> <!--11:37:00 PM-->
<> Maybe I overworked myself into thinking and planning that one day I'll have the most beautiful wedding, to the perfect marriage. I gink's it. Why wasn't I too concerned about school and my personal life, rather than who I was going to spend it with. I really wished that life, my life in particular, came out the way I wanted it to be. The perfect boyfriend, to the perfect purposal, to the perfect marriage. I envy the couples who are still together to this day, and to the couples that are currently planning the adventures of a new marriage, and be able to go through the stresses of organizing such an event. Something I wished I had done, but didn't get the chance too. I was too excited that I just wanted to get it over and done with, that I fell through Ron's encouragement, which I honestly do not regret at all. Maybe I was too caught up in worrying if I'll be an old maid who grows old by herself, who knows! I guess I shouldn't worry too much about this issue with me and Ron, because it will only make me feel even more worse to the point of where I've lead myself to insanity. I can't let that happen. I need to get out there and some fun with myself. Well, not with myself, but you know what I mean. I have to show him that my pride is capable of defeating his pride. <> <!--6:17:00 PM-->
<> EVERYONE AS MY WITNESS RON WANTS TIME, I'LL GIVE HIM ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. MAYBE I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM FOR GOOD AND START A NEW LIFE ELSEHWERE. BUT WHERE CAN I HONESTLY ESCAPE TOO? I HAVE NO WHERE TO RUN TO, AND NO WHERE TO GO. WHAT TO DO? THAT I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR, THAT I NEED TIME TO THINK WHAT, WHERE, WHEN AND WHY, I CAN OR CANNOT DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO. I KEEP PUSHING HIM, THE MORE I KEEP DOING THAT, THE MORE, I CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE I WOULD END UP. I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM QUICK AND THAT I MUST DO FOR THE GOOD OF BOTH OF US. IF MONTHS FROM NOW THAT HE NO LONGER WANTS ME OR NEEDS ME IN HIS LIFE THAN I'LL TAKE IT AS A NO. <> <!--8:13:00 PM-->
<> REMINISCING THROUGH MY OLD BLOGS JUST MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVED RON, AND STILL LOVE RON. THROUGH ALL THE COMPLICATIONS, I FOR ONE AM NOT GOING TO LET GO, BECAUSE I HAVE COMMITTED MYSELF TO THIS MARRIAGE AND THIS MARRIAGE ALONE. I BELIEVE OUR MARRIAGE IS CAPABLE OF ANY DOWNFALL, THIS PHASE BEING ON OF THEM, RON, I KNOW YOU'RE THERE LISTENING, BUT, I HONESTLY DO LOVE YOU AND I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY WILL POWER TO NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU, BECAUSE THAT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!! <> <!--4:34:00 PM-->
<> Divine was a very gentle, quite, and graceful woman. She never argued with anyone, nor did she bother with such complicated issues. Divine demonstrated herself to be a very private woman, a woman who usually kept things to herself, and never wanted to talk about what was bothering her at the time. Divine being a special child, that her siblings and her parent's would describe her out to be, was the most beautiful one of them all, and that she truly was an unexpected blessing from God. While my grandmother was pregnant with my mother, Divine, she had experienced some complications with the pregnancy, due to my grandmother taking an anti-biotic that eventually had defected my mother's heart. My mother was a pre-mature baby, was born at 5 months, and was diagnosed as a "blue-baby" at the time. The anti-biotics created a serious heart defect that left my mother in a condition that was no longer curable, and that doctors in the Philippines had explained to my grandmother that she would only live to see the age of 27-years-old. With God being on my mother's side, she was extended an additional fifteen years to her life, and managed to have given birth as well at the age of 34-years-old. Tuesday morning she had awaken to pain, and bleeding. Not realizing that her water had broke and that she was minutes away from delivering. Divine was rushed to the Women's Hospital, accompanied by her husband at the time, her sister, and brother-in-law. The second and the minutes that had surrounded her, turned into many hours later. Many hours later she then had given birth to a beautiful baby girl, named Lidivette Aileen. She was her pride and joy, everything she's ever wanted. Lidivette was 5'2" and was born on the Tuesday morning of October, on the 13th day, nineteen eighty. Years have past and Divine had suffered from depression with her husband leaving her for another woman. She couldn't bare the pain, yet the full responsibility of raising her new born child on her own. But, Divine never did give up. She vowed to herself and her family that whatever the challenges God has laid out for her in this lifetime, she'll would take with great challenge and great pride. Divine worked in a hotel as a housekeeper, and managed to keep that full-time job, with a part-time job on the side, earning enough to provide a great life for her and her daughter. At first, she had lived with her elder sister and her family, until she had earned enough to create the life she was longing for. With no child support from her husband, who had went a stray from her, she found it to be very difficult to move on. Divine had deeply loved the man for every quality of man that was in him, and not for his wealth, nor his riches. She had loved him immensely, that she had to put a hold on her life to prove it to herself, prove to herself that they will no longer be Growing up as a child I was literally raised by mother's sister, who at the time, was just a stay at home mother to her two sons, Ronnie and Gerry. I was raised to believe that both Ronnie and Gerry were my brothers, but peeked my curiousity as to why they were "white" and seemed very different from me. But, then I grew up and began to see that they were really a mixture and that they weren't what I thought them out to be. Their mixture is German and Filipino, a common mixtue. I grew up to the age of 5, and was constantly being a "curious george" and asking my mother where my dad was. I guess I felt wierd at the time, from the start of pre-school, then slowly emerging into kindergarden. I never did understand why we had to make "Father's Day" gifts when I didn't have a father. So, my curiousity began to arise and questioned myself as to why everyone else had a "dad", but, why didn't I? Frist my mother would tell me that my father had died in an accident and that I was very young to even realize it. Later, as I hit the age of 6, the time where my father had contacted her and had told her that he was coming to make an appearance, my mother began impatient and didn't know what to say to me. As the summer rolled around, and the days had gotten closer to my father's arrival, my mother than explained to me that my father was going to visit. Being only 6-years old at the time, I was completely confused out of my mind. Then, I began to question my mother again, "But, I thought you said daddy died in an accident?" my mother replied, "No, he didn't, I lied!". Our conversation progressed, "But, why did you lie to me?", the look in my mother's eyes mad me cry, and encouraged myself to just drop the questioning because through my mother's eyes, it was only hurting her even more, than it hurted me. My mother began to cry and said "Whatever happens, I love you!". Threats appeared in my head as to what my mother meant by that. Although, I desperately wanted to question that, I was afraid too. After finding a way to cool off from our little pep talk, I overheard my mother talking to her sister, telling her sister that my father wanted to take me away from her, my mother. That pretty explained everything, the hurt in her eyes and why she said what she had said to me earlier. Minutes later, I began to question my mother again, and had asked, "Why does daddy want to take me away from you?", as if I was talking to a brick wall, my mother had replied no more. She became a mute that entire day, that entire evening. We finally arrived to that day, the day that we were expecting my father. A little pound on the door turned into a powerful knock at the door. My mother's sister slowly glides her way to the door and yells out, while peeking through the peep whole, "Who is it?", no response. As the knock became alittle louder and forceful, I was frieghtened, hanging onto my mother as if there was no tomorrow. As the question repeated itself, "Who is it?", and still no answer. My aunt had opened the door, and with a sigh of relief, she says, "Hello, how are you? Welcome to Canada once again!" Not knowing who he was, I too was frieghtened because a stranger had just walked into my home, where my mother is as upset as can be and it was because of this stranger, this man, who had claimed to be my father. He approached me wanting to touch me and I freaked out on him, and said "You're not my dad!". "My dad is dead, he died in an accident long time ago!", as this tiny little voice slowly starts to calm itself down. <> <!--3:45:00 PM-->
<> (The next chapter in my book) "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same". You are a mixture of lightening and moonbeam. A perfect combination. One that is not perfected to suit me but one that suits my by it's nature. Like two waves with not only the same wavelength, but also the same amplitude. Perfect in many levels. Don't know how else to explain this. It is wonderful and amazing when one falls in love with both mind and heart. <> <!--3:11:00 PM-->
<> Here's an excerpt I recieved from a friend last night: Why do we have a past? Is it to show use where we have been? Or is it a map of all the things that we have done right and wrong? Do we look to the past for answers? Or is it the questions taht we could never answer? Why do I sound so Macomb? Because I think that if we look too much into the past then the future becomes the end to all, and the present we will never be able to fully enjoy Show me the pain that you have felt in your life time and I will show you how my cuts have healed Why you believe that I could take you to a place where your happiness gives life to everything and with just your smile reveals another level of you beauty Why do I write all before this line? Because I want you to know that when I first met you, it was the present at that time and now it is the past But when I look back the only thing that I see is the way you smiled at me thefirst I took your hand You now have your heart in the hands and I am there to make sure that you never drop it because the hurt you once felt in the past will never cloud the sky of the future. Why do we have a past, because without the past I would not be in your life today at this moment where you are the only thing on my mind It was really sweet of this person to have given this to me, and to show his support in what I am going through. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but, I really don't mean to be the heartbreaker here, but, it's only fair that we keep our distances for now, as my healing process will take more than just a week, a month, maybe more than a year, if that. My mentality with everything that is going on between Ron and me, is that I no longer see or visualize a future that revolves around him, and that love that we once shared, will no longer be in existence, and I've accepted that. <> <!--12:22:00 PM-->
<> A year ago yesterday is when me and Ron had met at his father's wedding which was held at Grand Garden in Winnipeg's own China Town. Ron had peaked his interest and was yet determined to know so much about me in the so-little time we had that night. He had approached his father asking his father, who was drunk at the time, asking whether or not I had a boyfriend, and personal things like that. We were both attracted to eachother immediately after seeing him eye to eye and Ron waving at me on my way back to my seat. To only have that day re-played all over again. The year before his father's wedding, we had met up at his lola's funeral in July of '01. Not realising that I was his little god-sister, he immediately fell "in-love" with me. Ron had given me his business card, where I had failed to even gotten to know him at the time. Being only 20-years-old the time I first met him, I had no pure interest. Although, I really thought that for a god-brother who was that good looking only made me play hard to get. A year later we get re-united at his father's wedding, the saddest reason being that Ron had asked his father and knew I was going to be there and that was his only reason for attending his father's wedding. That' s where it all later began. That night I had to move my car and Ron jumped up instantly questioning my whereabouts and if I needed assistance that late at night. Knowing me, I can never turn down assistance, especially in that part of town. I had taken him up on his offer. As he escorted me, I don't know what I was thinking, but I grabbed his arm, and complained of the coldness that night. After returning from moving my car, his father, my godfather, and my aunt, had pushed us to get up and dance together, which we eventually did to unchained melody. As the night had come to an end, Ron had passed over a piece of paper behind my god-mother, the content of the piece of paper contained his name and his cell phone number. So, I returned the favor by giving my info. Sunday, the very next day comes along and I had gotten a phone call from him requesting me to meet him for dinner at Perkins on Henderson Hwy. Being nervous as I was at that time, at that moment, I got into my car, on a heavy rainy day, and started driving towards the Chief Peguis Bridge. After seeing the end of the bridge, I decided to hang a right, thinking when I hang a right that I wouldn't see Perkins and that I could go home and call him and apologize about the dilema and that I had complications trying to find it. But, with fate behind my back, I end up driving down Henderson, only to see Perkins to my left and literally had no choice, but to go. After getting out of my car, Ron awaits for me in his truck. He then gets out as soon as he catches a glimpse of me. We then both head into Perkins, and that's when it all began. During our supper we had talked about many things and had asked a whole lot questions to eachother, which eventually lead us to being so comfortable with eachother, we ended making the night last longer and had gone to watch a movie, Insomnia @ Kildonan Place. Later that night, he had asked me if he can see me again the very next day. With having a tight schedule due to Folklorama and our tour in New Mexico, I had managed to sqeeze him into my schedule by going to see him that very night. That night his friends were over, and we were all watching a movie, and that's when Ron had asked "Would you be mad if I told everyone that you were my girlfriend?" I replied, "Don't be silly..." with Ron interupting, "...but, I actually told everyone that you were my girlfriend already, without asking you....", I said, "that's fine, but it would help if you tell me!" At that time I felt memorized at the fact that he wanted everyone to know that I was his girlfriend, and he wanted the whole world to know. I remeber the times when Ron would rush over to the other end of the city to Garden City Dental Centre, just to come visit me. This one time Elaine nearly fell over her chair because she found him to be very good looking. She described him as tall, dark, and handsome. As Ron slowly approached the door, the rest of the GCDC women crowed around the front to check this gentleman out. Ron had in his hand, a long steamed, large red rose. As he approached the front desk, he stuttered on my name trying effortlessly to begin to even pronounce my name, which he couldn't at the time, and with Elaine's assistance, she ended filling in the blanks for him. Later that night, he had explained to me that he wanted to pretend that he was just a delivery boy, delivering a rose to a pretty woman at that office. He said he felt embarressed that he couldn't even pronounce my name. He definitely wanted this to be a surprise, only to be put on the spot by my crazy co-workers at the time, he then fell into shyness and couldn't resist, and just gave the rose. A couple weeks later, I was off to New Mexico for the next two weeks to go on tour for dance. Prior to leaving on my trip, I was at work oned day and I have recieved a call from Ron asking me to go to Ben Moss at Kildonan Place and to ask for Sue. Not knowing what was going on, but I had a hunch that this had something to do with, engagment, something we talked about for quite awhile. Upon arrival at Kildonan Place, I slowly, but casually walked into Ben Moss asking for Sue. Sue had come to attend to me, and had said that she would be sizing my finger as per Ron. We did just that. Later that night, after Ron had gotten off from Jack Fraser at Polo Park, I met up with him at his house and asked him out of curiousity as to why he made me go there. Ron smiled, and said "It's a surprise, and if I told you what my plans are, it wouldn't be a good surprise, no would it?" My time came for me to depart, and Ron had drove me to Victor's house that very morning, to properly say his good-byes. Our first attempt to cross the border didn't succeed as we had gotten questioned for the props we had in cargo. So, we had no choice but to head back to Winnipeg and try to contact our head alliance in New Mexico for a better cross-over the next day. Upon arrival back to Winnipeg, I had gotten giddy, and had called Ron's friend at the time, Megan, to let her in on a secret and not to tell Ron. Megan tried her best to keep Ron in his house until I got there. I finally had gotten to Ron's house, and with Megan teasing Ron about me coming back, he didn't believe her one bit. Minutes later I pull up in my car, and as I approached the side door, Ron came out and walked back in instantly. I ran into the house, and we both hugged eachother as if there was no tomorrow. The look of saddness in Ron's face almost lead me to not going on this trip anymore. That night we spent together until I had to go again. We finally reached our destination, that was in Alborqueque, New Mexico, a day or two later, Ron would call me throughout the day, and I would later return his phone call late at night. His friends would tell me that he cannot stop thinking and talking about how much he misses me, which was very sweet, because I had missed him a whole lot as well. One day Ron calls me again, and said that he was going to do something crazy, which really brought up my curiousity into asking him what he planned to do. Ron wanted to get into his truck, drive all the way down to New Mexico (USA) and propose to me in front of me and my dance group. I had mentioned to Ron not too, only because the drive from there to here was very long and that he would have to prepared for that. After trying to convince him, that that idea wasn't feasable, he had proposed to me over the phone, softly, "Will you marry me?". That late at night, I just wanted to scream, but couldn't because the entire hotel was asleep. I couldn't sleep that night. I was too excited and was eager to head back home to Winnipeg, but I couldn't. I only had 6 more days left until we departed back for Winnipeg. Believe me, it was the longest 6 days I ever had to wait for in my entire life. The great anticipation and long waiting lead me to me to just not caring about anything else, and that I was determined to return instantly. Upon arrival back to Winnipeg, Ron had picked me up at the Perkins on Pembina in the parking lot, where I later ended up spending my first night with my fiancee. Early that morning, after not seeing or being with eachother for quite a long time, we made passionate love until the sun started shining later that morning. After that around eleven o'clock we had gone back to my mom's house. Jennifer, his daughter had slept over at my mom's house that night, because Ron didn't want to have to wake her up early that morning when he had to come and get me. That day, we spent together, almost like a family, me, Ron, and his daughter, Jennifer. Being with them, together as one, as a family, I felt a great connection with both of them, especially his daughter. I knew this is where I belonged and that this was definitely where I belong now and in the future. The 28th of July then came around the corner, shortly after my arrival from New Mexico, I had arrived the Thursday, and me and Ron had gotten married on the Sunday, July 28th, 2002. That day was filled with so much significance, and endless love. To be bonded before our witnesses and God, that was to be the greatest feeling ever. The days had gone by, and me and Ron were so happy, that we were hoping that one day, soon, I would get pregnant. Ron already had ideas of how he wanted the baby's room to be and described how that would be the greatest feeling in the world, that if one day, I were to walk into the his store at the mall, and tell him that I was pregnant. He said that would have been the greatest feeling ever in the world, to be sharing a baby that we've created together, as one, as a husband and wife. Unfortunately, that day never came, me and Ron were convinced that it's not our turn yet, and that it is still yet to come. A month without telling my family about what me and Ron had done, I had fainted at work due to all the stress of wanting to tell them, but was afraid. I was taken to the Seven Oaks Hospital that day, and Ron had dropped everything at work to rush over to my enduring need of him being present before me. I was freightened, yet scared, because the thought of being pregnant crossed my mind. Same thought had crossed over Ron's mind as well, and I remember him whisphering in my ear, that "everything is going to alright, and that if you are pregnant, this child is going to have two parents that will always be here to nurture, support them with unconditional love." I'll never ever forget what Ron had whisphered to me that day. Another month had gone by, and Ron said that it was time we tell the family what we had done, and that we can no longer betray them by hiding it from them. I was really afraid, and frantic. But, Ron, re-assuered me that everything was going to be okay, that he is standing behind me in time of need, and that we are as strong as can be and that no one can ever bring us down, no matter what the downfall may be. I believed in Ron, and so, we confess. Aftrer telling ma, she was very upset and disappointed that we had decieved her in such a way, but, me and Ron stood tall, and had defended our love for one another and that we swore to both our mother's graves that whatever the complications are in our marriage we will grow and become stronger above and beyond any downfall. Later on in the relationship, we have grown apart, not knowing that we both had different definitions of marriage. No matter how we earnestly tried to work around the situation, it had only gotten worse. We had failed to see the weaknesses in our marriage and we both had failed to take initative in trying to resolve the problem and tackling it before the conditions of getting worse came to be. Months later, me and Ron, had butted heads constantly, which later lead to lack of trust and resentment. Ron was hurt at the fact that I had slapped him. I honestly didn't mean it intentionally, and to only turn back time and re-do things over all over again, can never be. All the hassles, the nagging, the jealousy and envy, eventually lead to lack of trust and resentment. As a wife I now realize how I should have been open to Ron at that time, the times where I felt that my marriage was being threatened, that's where I failed to do that. The times I should have warned Ron that the only reason as to why I held on too tight, was because I had lost trust in my last relationship with Oliver. In all my other past relationships, in particular to the one with Oliver, I had trusted him so much, that I gave him the freedom of being with friends, regardless if they were male or female. To even letting him hang out with an ex-girlfriend. Oliver later than took that trust and abused it, and ended up cheating on me. From that day forward, I had lost my trust in any guy I were to have a relationsip with. But, what I failed to see through my relatioship with Ron is that Ron is a different person, a different individual, I found it hard to convince myself that Ron was here wanting to be with me and was in love with me, that's the reason as to why he did everything in his will power to prove it to me, but I was blind to see. Although, me and Ron have separated already, it's still hard for me to see, to convince myself that we will no longer be. Its so hard to divorce myself from Ron, because it would be divorcing myself from God, and that's what hurts the most. I for one am not going to let Ron take all the blame for the deterioration of our marriage, because like they say, it takes two for a marriage to self destruct, and I firmly believe that. Me and Ron have been apart for almost a week. Yesterday, I had gone to pick up my palm pilot, and luckily I went at a good time to aviod any confrontation. I've been there quite a bit since I departed there last Wednesday, and Ron had said that he wouldn't move a thing in my room and that I was welcomed anytime into that home, as it was my home as well, until we get a divorce. The past couple of days that I would go there, I noticed everything was pretty much untouched, and I had found it touching to see that Ron had spent the night in my room for the first time since my departure. It made me almost want to cry, fortunately, I didn't. Later that night I had gone to visit him yesterday, and honestly, I felt refreshed or rejuevenated because we actually had gotten into a conversation that I thought would never be. The beginning of a new friendship. Something we had both agreed we'd be is friends, something me and Ron both were confident in, in believing that we would be the greatest of friends. <> <!--4:16:00 PM-->
<> ~SERENDIPITY~ fortunate accidents My theory as far as serendipity is concerned? I believe it to be very true. Serendipity can be defined as discoveries to fortunate accidents that we don't even know exisit. What is fate trying to tell me? My frequent run-ins with an ex-flame or ex-boyfriend? Does it mean that I had to literally have to go through all these heartaches to really find my true destiny? That fate has its magic working behind me without even knowing it myself? Strange as it may seem, it sounds too good to be true. And, that's the scary thing. Why is that? To better understand myself, I make many assumptions and am very analytical. I try to analyze things as I may see them come. Maybe it's my nature to be observant and analytical. It's definitely in my gene. Is there a true explanation as to why things happen the way they do? <> <!--1:11:00 PM-->
<> I have come to terms with myself that me and Ron will no longer be together. I have divorced that fact that he will no longer be "in love" with me, or that we will ever get back together for that matter. Now, it's just finding acceptance in my relationship with God. As much as my beliefs go, it's hard to get a divorce, b/c that would be meaning I am divorcing myself from God, which I am so against. Until I can come to terms with that within myself, it will be hard for me to get the chance to go to church every sunday again. I haven't gone for so long that I feel I need to confess and get some conselling through my priest, which, honestly, I think, would be the best remedy. Last nite, I had gone to Ron's house and we talked for a good 2hrs or so, and he's demonstrated by his actions that he no longer wanted to rekindle anything with me, and that he only wants to be friends, and friends is the only and best thing that he can offer. I have explained myself to him as to why I acted the way I did. I explained to him that I felt threatened by your friends. I felt that my marriage was being threatened by the people surrounding you, which eventually lead to lack of trust, resentment, jealousy and envy. Yesterday, me and Cliff had gotten into a long conversation about this issue. He knew exactly what was going on and that he said he found out through a person I couldn't believe he found out through. Ron had lied to me. Ron had said that Rochelle (his assist, mngr.) hates me and is not too fond of me; only to find out that she had taken the initiative to tell cliff what was going on b/w me and Ron. She explained to Cliff that she doesn't hate me and that she has no reason for hating me because I don't even know her to even begin to judge her that way. She said that whatever the issue may be b/w me and Ron, she has nothing to do with it, and that its only b/w the 2 of us and doesn't seem to understand why Ron is trying to include everyone in this; that she not in any way interested in Ron because of their different personalities in their personal lives. Spoke briefly to Ron about this last nite, Ron was quite surprised and shocked. He questioned how Cliff and Rochelle touched base. Explained to Ron that from what Cliff has told me, they see eachother (along with the car crew) on a frequent basis. They see eachother every week, if not, every 2 weeks. I had to mention that too Ron only because I wanted to get him caught in his own lie, which I have done, and have succeeded. She had told Cliff because she knows she can get through to me by getting through Cliff, and that if she tried to get through Ron, Ron would only make matters worse , and she really doesn't want that. She said I don't even know her, what for should I have something against her. If that, she said she wanted to be friends with me, but never did say "hi" to me, how could I have been good friends with her, if she didn't want to be friends with me. She had suggested to Cliff that I go with them one day, on a day that she is there and that maybe we can become really good friends. She made sure that Cliff would get through to me and to re-assure me that she is no way or ever will be attracted to Ron as Ron is not her type, her type is the opposite of Ron, and that Ron would never go for her because of a bad habit that Ron hates, smoking. After talking with Ron about all of this, he has confided in me that he was at one point interested, but, then had spoken to someone who knew her very well, and didn't like what this person had to say about her, she has a bad habit of smoking and drinking. Ron explained that they had all gone to Tijuana's last friday (which explained her being all dressed up), and Ron said he just had to make his appearance because it was Gerald's b-day. By the time he arrived there, his entire staff were pissed drunk, and that he didn't like how everyone was acting that nite and only stayed for about 15 mins. at the most and left. Ron confided in me that for someone my age, I was more mature than his assist. manager. and that just shows and proves to show that he will no longer be "in love" with anyone. Sure, he'll date around, but will never find anyone like me, nor will ever get married, if that! All I can do is learn and study the gift of acceptance. Acceptance that only friendship is what God has wanted us to be and nothing more. If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you then you know that that person was truly meant for you, and if it doesn't come back, then you know it was meant for you to begin with, and that yours is still yet to come! <> <!--10:43:00 AM-->
/archives